


Breathe

by spicy_flowers27



Category: Black Mirror (TV), Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clubbing, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Other, Underground Party, alcohol use, vague sex scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 03:51:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17841920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicy_flowers27/pseuds/spicy_flowers27
Summary: You weren't supposed to be here.That's what you kept telling yourself.You were supposed to be writing a paper that's due tomorrow, for class. Instead, your classmate from uni, Colin, decided to drag you out of your home to take you out; to help you relax more.That's supposed to happen - right?





	Breathe

My ears feel like they’re going numb. 

I know I can hear some form of laughing, maybe some drunken praise? I’m… I’m not entirely too sure… I can only make out from what I believe, if the open - mouthed grins around me were any clues. Something - something just doesn’t feel right. I’m supposed to be back on the grind, I’m supposed to be back at home, I’m supposed to be finishing my 10 page paper about something of the B - Theory of Time for my physics class at 8:30 in the morning. That’s what I’m supposed to be doing. But, I’m not.

Instead, all I can see is the city lights stand and tower over my small body, bathing it in the reflections and hues of every color of the spectrum. The street I was in lay before me, the solid black concrete floor, smelling of faintly of wet trash, leftover by the evening rain. I could look at the puddle beside the sidewalk, next to my feet, and see myself reflected from it. The redness in my cheeks, the disheveled look of my overall appearance… It didn’t fit in. There was such a big contrast towards me, and my own surroundings. I looked back up to the see the glowing neon sign above me, a harsh green color, then back to the line of people behind me. They were all dressed in the newest clothes of H & M, Aeropostale, you know, the trendy outfits. They were all dressed to have a good time, they knew what they were doing, and I’m just here. Looking like a kid who sits in the back and whose only chance of seeing nudity was a magazine and when he had to help his mom zip the back of her dress.  
I just don’t fit in this surrounding.

Feeling knots starting to tangle against the bones of my shoulder and back, I exhaled, moving my arms back to get a crack. I looked back down to the sidewalk, my sneakers, for some reason, looking more pretty than usual. My hands reached towards the back of my jeans, padding around for that familiar shape. Unfortunately, there was nothing but the shape of my own ass, cause my dumb self forgot that I left my phone behind - cause he insisted that it wasn’t ‘necessary’. My throat vibrated, letting out a sound of frustration, knowing that I had no way to distract myself to pass the time.

“ - out of your ass.”

What?

My ringing ears took a slow stop, the white noise fading away, one sound coming into focus . I lifted my head up to look in front of me, meeting the indifferent gaze of a face I knew all too well. His dark eyes stared back at me, through his rose colored glasses, seeing the way the lights reflected and danced across the glassy surface. Looking a bit closer, there were specks of hazel that lit up and contrasted against the generally dark pools of eyes. No, wait, maybe it’s a honey brown instead, I -

“Dude.”

My focus snapped back to me, and without even having any form of conscious thought, my mouth just vomited out,

“Huh?”

God, I can feel my face burning with shame… My face, it just felt so much hotter than usual, and I know he can probably see the way the color of skin is changing! Wait! Why did I even think that?! That’s not helping me at all! I open my mouth, wanting to apologize for my own stupidity, but no sound is coming out. Instead, my mouth just felt dry, and I looked at him, literally at a loss for my own words. My own mouth… betraying me… 

Why is it only useful for when it’s not?!

“Did you seriously not catch a single thing?” He said, one eyebrow plucked up. Yet, it wasn’t in surprise, or disbelief. It just looked so natural, and his eyes didn’t hold any outward emotion, like he expected this to happen. He was just so relaxed. Despite his calm demeanor, I couldn’t help, but bow my head in shame. My face no longer burned as much, but I still could feel that lingering kiss of heat against my cheeks. I raised my hand and rubbed it against my forearm, letting out a sheepish, 

“...No… All I could catch was something about a-ass…,”

He directly turned to face me, yet took a step backwards, moving along the line of people, my own body, moving along with him. Watching him, his lips parted only a fraction, a sigh of air falling out, but coming out as more of what I could only assume to be a “Hm”. His hands were shoved so naturally in his own stylish black pants, evaluating me. God, maybe he’s pitying me. He’s probably thinking about never bringing me out here in the first place. I guess that would be a good thing, but still!

“Hey, look at me.”

I listened.

“Breathe. I can see you overthinking. All I said was ‘Hopefully this place will loosen you up a bit and get that tight stick out of your ass’.” 

“O-Oh…,” I said, quietly. Looking back down at my own shoes, that familiar burn came back. I laughed awkwardly, my throat cracking slightly at my own misery. I mumbled out a low, ‘sorry’. My head felt woozy, as if my whole center of balance was off center. Everything just didn’t seem real to me, at the moment. Why am I such an idiot sometimes?!  
A chuckle spilled out, and even though I couldn’t see him ( The sidewalk was quite the attention seeker ), it almost felt like I could sense the corners of his mouth taking a little upturn. 

“You really do need this, don’t you?” 

His voice sounded a bit deeper than usual, and for god knows what reason, it sent my own heart rate into a panic. It’s beating so loudly, way more than what I’m used to. The sound reverberated throughout my ears, becoming its white noise. Why was it beating this fast? It shouldn’t be beating so fast. My world felt like it moving alongside the tempo of my own heartbeat, the neon sign seeming to move farther away, the sidewalk moving from right under my feet.

Wait a sec.

I look up away from the ground, seeing not only my figure, but Colin’s as well, fade into the darkness of the building, leaving the the city of lights outside. Inside, the atmosphere was a lot more heavier than I expected. It was such a contrast to just being outside, at least standing in that line, I could map out every single exit possible and make a silent escape, if I wanted to. Yet, here… Colin and I stood on the top of the stairs, only one single black door at the bottom, only one way in. One way out. This feeling… I’m getting nervous, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Should I even walk down those steps? Why am I still doing this?

The reason: presenting itself next to me, in the form of a classmate, who accidentally became my friend. 

Looking to the side, I watched him, seeing how Colin just simply stared out at the stairs beholden to him. Still, his look seemed indifferent, and when I tried to follow his line of gaze, it didn’t lead anywhere. At first, I thought it was the stairs, but maybe it’s the door? Maybe the dim hue of the broken lighting alongside the wall?  
There was a squeeze on my hand, pulling me out of my thoughts. Seeing where the sensation came from, Colin’s hand was interlocked with mine, holding it gently against his. There was a connection of warmth, where his own heat flowed into mine and was entwined with one another. I could’ve almost swooned from how romantic the whole action is, but…How… How long was his hand on mine… ?

There was a faint burning sensation.

“Alright, I gave you time to analyze your surroundings.” Colin said, letting go of my hand. He walked down a few steps, before turning his body towards me, looking at me in expectancy. His hands were back in his pockets, his eyes no longer visible under his empty glasses. 

“You ready to head in?” 

Staring back at him, the familiar dry sensation of my throat gave its return, not knowing what to say. Numbly, as if my own body wasn’t my own, it automatically took a step down. Then, another step down. Another step down. My feet trailing itself behind Colin, as we descended further into the stairwell, until we stood face to face with the door. Standing behind him, I drank the door in my own apprehension, knowing that I’m probably just imagining the door to be more looming than it actually it is. There’s a faint click of the doorknob, Colin pushing the door open, in which I bring my arm up in front me to block from the blinding new lights. Colin pushed my body inside along with him, and my arm is brought back down as the lights weren’t so harsh anymore.

I gaped, looking into the scenery before me, that I was no longer in the humble glow of the city lights, but that I was in a new world, filled with harsh colors. I mean, there was only two, but they struck the walls and the people with such strong hues of blue and hot pink. Meshes of bodies either were scattered all over the place: people congregating in a large space in front of the DJ, there were people sitting and laughing on the speakers, some relaxed on the couches, and there were few more talented ones that hung from flimsy cloth on the ceiling and spun. The noise outside could barely compare to onslaught of some underground music and people in here, over - stimulating my senses. My body cringed at the new treatment it’s receiving, and so I reached my hands up to cover my ears. Maybe it would be enough to help soothe down the ringing a bit. There are so many things to process, I -

“Welcome to Anhedonia! Would like a warming gift?” 

I stared in front of me, the sight of a cute girl blocking my line of view. She barely wore anything that covered up her form, the costume of a bunny girl that made my cheeks feel hot. I couldn’t help, but have my eyes wander over form. Her hair was dark, yet sleek, looking like it was made of the softest quality I’ve ever seen. Her smile was bright and wide, nearly illuminating the whole room to the point that it almost made me relax when I saw it. Keyword, almost. I wanted to relax, but I could it. That see the far away look in her eyes, how slightly cloudy it looks, and the light sheen of sweat that coated her skin. 

She was definitely on something. With what, you may ask: I just didn’t know. I’m not that well - versed in drugs, unlike others at uni. The girl held up a tray, filled with plastic cups that contained brightly colored pills inside. I slowly moved my feet backwards, wanting to separate my whole being from her, and thankfully, things were going alright in my favor, due to Colin pushing myself behind him. 

“We’ll take them. Though, the kid will take his by hand.” Colin said blankly, pointing his thumb to the back of him, at me.

“He’s new here, don’t want to scare him off just yet.” He explained, regarding me as if I were some fragile thing. The girl giggled at his response and nodded. She took one cup into her hand and said happily,

“Down the hatch!”

Taking the cup, she lifts up her head slightly, taking the pill into her mouth. She then settled the empty content back on the tray, turning her head back to Colin, who leaned down and closed his eyes. The space between them was slowly closing in, before - oh my god, please, don’t tell me…!

Their lips interlocked in a brief kiss, before I saw… it. I thought their lips separated to end the kiss, but god, I was so wrong…! It was like their tongues became one slime - y thing, becoming siamese twins joined at the tip of the tongue! Geez, I could see the movement and I wanted to look away, god, I wanted to look away! Yet, I couldn’t help, but stare at them in disbelief, feeling the creeping burning sensation. Colin’s mouth moved against hers, the brightly colored pill sliding into his, finally separating his lips from hers, swallowing it down. 

He had a faint grin dance on his face, and all I want to do was yell at him for making me witness such a sight. I mean, I could’ve looked away, but still! The girl licked her lips, and then turned her look of direction towards me. I flinched in response, feeling myself grow pale. An awkward smile cracked onto my lips, and I let out that weird laugh, not knowing of her intentions. Especially after that… 

“I - uh… I - I don’t think…,” I said, growing more nervous by the second.

“Aww, don’t be such a worrywart! Your friend said to give yours by hand, right?” She laughed at my obvious display fear. She couldn’t at least try to be a bit more sympathetic?

“R-Right -” I stuttered out, but I was cut off, as her delicate hands took a harsh grab at my face. She was a lot stronger than she looked, proven with how I couldn’t seem to move away from her hand. Her hand squeezed against my cheeks, propping my mouth open, and she threw the pill down my throat, forcing me to swallow. The pill slid surprisingly smooth down my throat, thanks to all the choked up spit that built up. I didn’t even notice I had my eyes screwed in shut, until I saw the lights flood back into my eyelids, and everything still looked normal. The girl was still smiling in front of me, giggling like a young school girl. Her hand was against my cheek, holding it like a lover, her thumb caressing it softly. She let out a laugh and said,  
“Relax! You’ll fine!”

Something doesn’t feel right. 

My body is starting to feel hotter than usual, my nerves didn’t feel right. It as if someone re - wired my whole entire body and switched around my nervous system to where visual became auditory, and smell became taste. My eyes felt so much heavier, and I stared at her in confusion,looking for an answer. Her image broke down in front of me, her body looking of melted wax that easily could drip down my fingers. Yet she didn’t give me an answer. All she gave was a large smile.

“Ẅ̸̡̝̮̱͍͈͈̘̼͖̮̒̈́ȇ̴̗̭̪̯̩̭͔̖̻̼͌̒͊̆̒̈̓͂̄̍̀͜͝'̴̛̝̋̿́́̐̈́̍͘r̵̯͉̪̝̟̝̤̒̎̀̅e̶̮͉̱̖̣̙̳̩̱̼̠̲͖͊̊̓̒́̚͜͜ ̶̢̢͇̮̬̓̿͊̏̉͌̈̃́͂̇̈́̒͒͘ą̶̢̛̙͖̱̰̗̘̫͕̐͊̅͆l̵̟͕̩͉̓̍͐̀̈͠ļ̸̨͓̖̙̮͋̿̒͑̇͆͑̕͘͜͠ ̷̨̛̟̰̘̱̭̻̣̎̿̑̂̿̂̓́͜f̴̨̲͕̹̬̘̪̗̳̥̮͈̑̀̍̄͊͛́r̸̡̟̦̥̜̦̐i̶̢̻͎͙̙̖͉̩̭̽́̾͐̓̇̈́e̶̛͉̞̻̞̰͈̊͐͒̃́̈͒̏̇̍̂n̶̦̯̦͉̊ͅd̵̪̰̒̒̈́̅͘͘͝s̶̨̢̛̛͎͙̈͗͛̈́̓̄̈́͐̏̚͠ ̴̩̤͉͑h̶̥̬̜̙̥͎̽̽̋̃͒͆e̴̢̱̖̗̦̫͓͖̫̲̟̝̤͛͒̐̇͂̈́̾̄͂̓͋̎̕r̵̨̨͕̟͙̱̤̫̘͍̋͌̀́̅̃̐̿̊͑̉͂̕͜͜͠e̵̛͙̯̥͉͗͐͊̂̓͌̈́̎͛̊͝”

 

I wasn’t standing anymore. I was lying on one of the couches, sinking myself further into the red leather as every second is ticking louder in my mind. Shifting my head, looking over to Colin, who was talking to some random girl, a bottle of something in his hand. I tried to get a view of the girl’s face, but the trip was still in effect. Her face was scribbled out and static - y, someone drew her out. I think they are laughing about something. I can’t seem to tell, the breath of everyone was too loud in my ears for me to focus on the conversation. Shifting my head back, tilting up towards the ceiling. My body, it was bathed in blue and pink, putting in on the spotlight of everyone to watch my being of self collapse in front of them. I was a spectacle, I knew it - that’s all I could understand. That I can feel. I couldn’t hear them, but I can see everyone’s smiling faces, jeering at me in every corner, knowing that I’m an outsider.

_Why won't they all stop staring at me!_

A hiss spilled from lips, raising my hands towards my face, to act as my shield against the judgmental looks of everyone around me. It feels too heavy; my breath. Why does it feel like I’m suffocating? Someone - Something is putting their all weight into my body, into my chest cavity, cutting off my flow of oxygen. My mouth keeps opening. Am I gasping? I removed my hands and took a deep breath, but I can’t help regret my decision. My eyes laid bare towards my surroundings, or at least what was left of it. The scenery was breaking before my eyes, shattering beneath my feet until all that was left behind was blue and pink. 

It’s too hot in here. 

Immediately sitting upright, I get up on my feet, trying to rush towards the dark door. However, my movement is stopped, my wrist wrapped in the hand of my dear classmate. Taking shallow breaths, I looked over to Colin, who was staring back at me. Strangely, he was the only thing that was clear, the only thing that still remained its image. He has his image of indifference, his glasses reflecting blue and pink. There is nothing presented in it. It’s always nothing. It’s always that indifference. Why does he keep staring at me - He is the one who brought me here in the first place, he knew what was going to happen.

_This is all his fault._

I rip my hand away from his, bringing it close to my chest. Taking even more deep breaths, sweat dripping off the tip of my nose, my hair already dampened. He stood up from the couch, reaching out a hand, but still not touching me. He just simply stared.

“Dude, just breathe -”

“STOP TELLING ME THAT- !” I yell out at him. 

I continue to breathe heavily, it almost feels like I’m wheezing. It feels like everything is spinning.

“Stop telling me that! You keep telling me to breathe, but it isn’t working! I went along with all this, and I can’t stand it - !” I screamed, but I couldn’t look up at him.

“Dude, -”

“I shouldn’t even be here!”

“Are you talking about your paper? Just skip school, tomorrow -”

“You just don’t understand! What if someone from my dad’s workplace saw me here?”

“I think it’s more concerning that they’re here in the first place.”

“How can you be so calm about all of this!?” I shouted out, my words finally dying on me. They finally all came out in the open. I huddled further into myself, looking down into the floor as the lights blared on top of us. I close my eyes for a second, and open them back up again, seeing Colin’s sneakers in front of me. Gasping, I raise back up, and his hand gripped onto my face, pulling me in close. He props open my jaw, his lips close to mine. Lips parting, his mouth released a strong smoke into mine, and he moves his face a few centimeter away, his eyes finally clear to me. The effects of the fume took hold, numbing out my senses and relaxing my mind just for a moment. Just enough so he can speak. 

“Stop worrying. You need to realize that things shouldn’t matter. They don’t matter.”  
His hands then placed itself on either side of my face, pulling me in closer to get a better view of his face. Colin’s eyes were blown wide, his eyes lighting up in what seemed like mania to me. A happy grin split across his face, this was the most happiest I have ever seen him. It’s almost frightening.

“Nothing in life matters! Every choice you make, everything you do, it’s all gonna amount to nothing, where all we’re going to be in the end is just another name lost to time and memory. We all end up in the same! What you’re doing right now, it’s not going to matter in twenty years from now! Everything means nothing, and nothing means everything!”  
God, it looked like he was going hysterical… Yet, I couldn’t pull away. This happy look on his face… I never saw it, and I want to… No, I need to see more. I know I need to, I know I can hear that familiar heart beat race in my ears.

“Right here, right now - Your responsibilities shouldn’t be of concern! We all have our flow of time that’ll eventually run out, so stop worrying of what should be expected of you, and instead, just rock your flow with me.” Colin finished, smiling. 

His chest moved up and down, as if he poured his whole heart into me. It all feels so close, our warmth connecting, his heart with mine, and his lips with mine. My chapped lips moved against his, and he didn’t move his for a bit, clearly taken aback by my brash action. Yet, after a few moments, his moved his lips back to mine, his hands running through my hair, tasting of weed and alcohol. There was a burning sensation on my cheeks, and I let out a small sigh through the kiss, feeling Colin push me back until my bareback met his cotton sheets. Every touch that Colin left on me felt like fire, burning me, leaving its mark. I took laboured breaths, finding it harder to breathe in the emotion that we’re drowning in. That burning sensation was back, kissing itself along my neck to the lower half of my body.  


Colin towered over me, staring at my body, exposed and laid in front of him, all for him. Embarrassment trickled into me, and I was about to raise my hand to cover my face, but Colin pinned my hand down next to me, leaning down to give my lips a sweet bliss before staring back at me. His glasses reflected nothing, but me in the reflection.

Right, I just needed to breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahahaha, thank you for reading this everyone! This is actually my first fanfiction I ever posted, so I really appreciate y'all!


End file.
